Monday, March 7, 2011

Musings of a Meditating Drag Queen (MMDQ) 02: OO WALA PA RIN AKONG BUFRA NYETA!


Kapag nakakakita ako ng mag-jowang badaf sa mall, sa kalsada, sa sasakyan – kahit saan, bilang amoy na amoy naman sila at ang iba ay talaga namang mega PDA – nais ko silang harapin dalawa at sabihang, “Maghihiwalay din kayo! TSEH!”


Tikman mo ang pait!


Hindi sya maganda, alam ko. Sabi ko naman GUSTO ko lang gawin, hindi ko pa siya actually ginawa ever.


Wala ako nun eh; wala akong ka-holding hands, wala akong kahalikan sabay sabi ng "babay, ingat!", walang naghahatid sakin at lalong wala akong hinahatid, at wala akong kayakap sa gabi (minsan), malas lang ng taumbayan at may pagka-inggitera ako. Hmf!


Although, I'm pretty sure hindi ako nag-iisa. I am yet to meet someone who is single and can honestly say that s/he is perfectly happy being unattached and won’t have it any other way.


Wag ka nang mangahas na tumutol, tataas lang ang kilay ko at sasabihan ka ng “GIGI-ERA!”


For some reason na hindi ko alam, it is human nature to LONG FOR affinity and human connection. So tigil-tigilan na ang pagiging “I’m single and I’m loving it”


OK, impokrita ako, kase madalas kong sinasabihan ang sarili ko ng “Bakla, di mo kailangan ng bufra. Titi lang yan, di nauubos ang titi sa sangkamaynilaan, much more sa buong mundo”


Pero syempre, ang totoo nyan, katulad ng nakararaming bakla, e hindi lang nman titi ang hanap ko. Iba din ang sayang dulot ng may kapiling sa buhay, yung parang extension ng sarili mo, yung magkaroon ng lalaki na (or in our case, to be more specific baklang lalaki na) hindi ka iiwan magunaw man ang mundo.


SHET! Ang sakit lang sa ulo, kei!


The mere idea of finding that person is actually quite overwhelming. Jusko, e yun nga mismong kadugo mo na, minsan di mo matiis gusto mong talian ng bato at itapon sa ilog (joke lang family! I LAB U mwah!) e yun pa kayang taong hindi mo kaano-ano at ang tanging nagbibikis sa inyo ay ang napaka-ambiguous at hard to define na tali ng “pag-ibig”


May pamilya at may mga matatalik na kaibigan, pero hindi mo naman sila pwedeng maka-sex di ba? (eeewwww lang, although may ilan na may kakaibang “arrangement” sa mga maTALIK nilang kaibigan – ayoko pong maging judgmental, kanya kanya na lang tayo pagdating jan!) And aside from the sex part parang iba pa rin ang “romantic love”.


I don’t know, call me a hopeless romantic but I find it REALLY amazing: meeting a complete stranger and having a very strong bond with them that eventually you become FAMILY.


CHAROT! Nakakadiri, parang hindi ako! Ano ba yan!


Madalas kong binobola ang sarili ko na ang ganda ganda ko, na ako na ang baklang reyna na may golden Elizabethan gown, at hindi ko kailangan ng “King” to rule my kingdom. Pero alam ng mga kaibigan ko, at lalaong mas alam ko sa sarili ko na panggi-gigi lang iyon.


Kanina while having coffee with Lester and JR, nagtanong si Lester, “Kelan ba tayo magkakaron ng boyfriend, che?”


Hindi ako nakasagot.


Coz, truth be told, I honestly have no idea as to WHEN it’s gonna happen.


On one hand, who said that I gotta have a boyfriend immediately after I broke up with the last one? Well, having an immediate replacement sure has its conveniences, but I feel like jumping from one relationship to another LIKE THAT (snaps fingers here) is not really very healthy.


I think the point – or at least MY point – is that the important thing about coming out of a relationship is LEARNING from the experience and probably taking the opportunity to KNOW ONE’S SELF DEEPER (too profound for a catty, tacky, camp-crazy fag like me, I know, but well, there you go).


So, I’ve been single for a little over a year (one year, two months, and nine days to be exact as of press time – CHAR!). It’s a little sad, sometimes even depressing, but I guess that’s just how it is. Di ko pa naman siya ikamamatay so keri lang, hanap-hanap lang ng Rainbow at slide lang ng slide dahil masyadong masaya at makulay ang buhay para mag-dwell sa mga nakaka-depress na baagy.


Iniisip ko na lang, every day that pass by, I have to be grateful for having more time to reflect and look deeper into myself. Every single day that passes by is a day spent forging deeper bonds with dear friends and family who I may have scrimped on quality time when I was still in a relationship. Each day of unattached freedom is an opportunity to have fun, mess around, enjoy singlehood, make mistakes and learn from them. And most of all, it’s an opportunity to reflect on appreciating the value of a relationship so that when the right time (and the right person) comes, I’d be able to take care of it even better than the last time.


So yeah, di ko alam kung kalian ako magkakaroon ng boyfriend ulit. Maybe next week? A month from now? Maybe next year? Or maybe I’d have to wait a couple years more… (Slightly nakasimangot ako sa last option. Hmf!) All I know is, when the time comes, I’m sure I’ll know. And when I finally meet him, I know I won’t let the opportunity just pass me by.


So for now, magmamaasim muna ako, ki-kiyembot at magsisigaw ng “TSEH!” kaliwa’t kanan sa tuwing makakakita ng gay couples.


Sisimulan ko na now:


"TSEH!"

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