Saturday, November 27, 2010

Curly Top

I have curly hair. I’ve had curly hair ever since my mom popped me out of her vagina and hair started growing out of my head.

Being enrolled in an all-boys catholic school made sure that I embrace uniformity and beat myself to death if I do not fit in. There was no place for individuality in such a secular environment. My parents themselves drank the same kol-aid. They made sure I grew up trying to turn myself into something "appropriate".

And with the popularity of Nick Carter’s perfectly straight, blond hair, curly was definitely NOT cool. Yes, I blame him too.

I spent most of my youth with close-cropped hair. I never let my hair grow longer than an inch and half coz that’s when it starts to have a life of its own and make waves on my head.

When I graduated from college, I spent more than 2 years growing out my hair and having it subjected to weekly hair treatment to keep it straight, or as my friends would call it, dead, limp and lifeless as a broom.

I burned my scalp three times in the process. My hair turned to this unearthly shade of brown. And it looked as if it was being weighed down by gravity equal to that of Jupiter.

The night I was finally able to face my reflection in the mirror and tell myself, “BAKLA KA!” (YOU ARE GAY!) I flushed all my hair relaxing cream in the toilet, bought a bottle of oil and a pack of hair pins and the next day, went to work with a chin-length mop of curly (and oily) locks.

Embracing my curls was like embracing myself for what I truly am: a cock-sucking fagg who's as gay as Christmas, unicorns, and Rainbow Brite all rolled into one.

Nothing felt more alive than that.

People would stare at me as I walk down the street... long curly hair bouncing. I'd look at them and flash a smile. It’s my way of saying, FUCK YOU WORLD! This is who I am and I fucking love it!

* * *

It's been almost 4 years since then and I'm wearing it shorter now but still maintaining the noticeable curls.

I have long since embraced my fabulous gayness and, with little success, been trying to impart all that I have learned in that short span of time to friends and then some...

But it feels like I just accomplished the first step. Coming out is definitely just the tip of the ice berg.

It's been a struggle, loving myself, and everyday I feel like I move closer to knowing myself more.

It's rather difficult, trying to prove myself not only to others but to myself. I think I am my most critical judge. When will i ever be good enough for my own standards? I don't know.

But I'm sure someday, I will.

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